i really love my brother bryant. he is two years older than me but miles away from the place i am at. at least thats what i thought.
recently he has been going through some financial issues. and well its breaking my heart. he works really hard. sure he makes mistakes, and has made a lot of poor choices, but who in the world doesn't? now he is in a hole. and he is getting screwed over by his roommates.
i think the reason why we've been given these struggles is because we can handle it. he is strong. he has that heart.
i have been praying all day for the Lord to deliver him from this. i can see the hurt and struggle in his eyes. its just so hard. i know the feeling he is feeling. sinking, and its like a physical pain because you have no idea how you will get out of it. where in the world will the money come from? really heart breaking.
the Lord has a plan. i know that He holds bryant and the rest of us in His hands. right next to Him. i hope that bryant finds this to be his reality and that this ends soon for him.
7.27.2008
7.22.2008
hungry
last night i went to a bible study with ginna. this happened to be the last night of it, so i was coming in kind of late. it was at a woman named jen's house and it was a group of about 12ish girls.
i'm gonna be real honest. i haven't been reading. i haven't been studying. i haven't taken my bible out of my car. God to me in the past few weeks is someone i go to to talk about san diego and how scared i am. He is some big eyes watching me from above. and its has been awful. i have been craving the relationship. i have been longing for the connection. the real prayer. not the "hey God this is what i need" but the "I feel You Lord, i want to hear You and i want to just BE with You."
i've been on the verge of tears for the past week. kinda sucking it up, knowing that as soon as i want it i can have it. i can't tell you what has been keeping me away. business, laziness, selfishness, confusion, stress, self-interest, socializing. it is a combo of any of those things.
but really enough is enough.
last night the reality of sitting in that room talking about the word (1 Peter 2) and the message of submission. i really did break a little. i didn't want to talk about san diego, i didn't want to watch tv or a movie, i didn't want to read my cheesy girlie book. i just wanted to get into the word. it was a hunger, it was burning inside me. it was like i hadn't had water in so long and all i wanted was water nothing else would help. i wanted to burst into tears right there in the floor.
my mind started thinking about who i could go to. who could i open up the word with? katie, or jen? maybe kara leigh would have sometime. and what about when i go to california? can i get some sort of scheduled bible study material from grace campus or from ginna or sydney? how can i do this alone?
and then God said "are you kidding Me? really? I just brought you to tears and you are running to someone else for the way? you are turning to other people to carry you to Me? I AM right here."
i don't need anyone else. i don't need to build up my relationship with Him through other people. He has given me all the resources i need to follow Him, to have a relationship with Him. i have to stop trying to get someone else involved. or lean on someone else.
i'm gonna be real honest. i haven't been reading. i haven't been studying. i haven't taken my bible out of my car. God to me in the past few weeks is someone i go to to talk about san diego and how scared i am. He is some big eyes watching me from above. and its has been awful. i have been craving the relationship. i have been longing for the connection. the real prayer. not the "hey God this is what i need" but the "I feel You Lord, i want to hear You and i want to just BE with You."
i've been on the verge of tears for the past week. kinda sucking it up, knowing that as soon as i want it i can have it. i can't tell you what has been keeping me away. business, laziness, selfishness, confusion, stress, self-interest, socializing. it is a combo of any of those things.
but really enough is enough.
last night the reality of sitting in that room talking about the word (1 Peter 2) and the message of submission. i really did break a little. i didn't want to talk about san diego, i didn't want to watch tv or a movie, i didn't want to read my cheesy girlie book. i just wanted to get into the word. it was a hunger, it was burning inside me. it was like i hadn't had water in so long and all i wanted was water nothing else would help. i wanted to burst into tears right there in the floor.
my mind started thinking about who i could go to. who could i open up the word with? katie, or jen? maybe kara leigh would have sometime. and what about when i go to california? can i get some sort of scheduled bible study material from grace campus or from ginna or sydney? how can i do this alone?
and then God said "are you kidding Me? really? I just brought you to tears and you are running to someone else for the way? you are turning to other people to carry you to Me? I AM right here."
i don't need anyone else. i don't need to build up my relationship with Him through other people. He has given me all the resources i need to follow Him, to have a relationship with Him. i have to stop trying to get someone else involved. or lean on someone else.
7.21.2008
14 days
so here are some tips for seeing movies alone:
i really am going to miss everyone a lot. and it feel likes its coming up so soon. but i am thrilled. soooooooo excited. can you believe it? can you?
i really can't.
- wear something really cute. you gotta have some confidence going by yourself. if people look at you, its cause you look good. not cause you are sitting alone in a movie theater.
- make it dinner and a movie. if you are bold enough to not only sneak a snack in, but sneak an entire meal into the movie, you are definitely bold enough to go see it with out anyone else. plus it will give you something to do while the "screen vision" is playing.
- don't get there too early. its not like you have to look for more than one seat. and the same rules apply as going to any other social event. if you get there early people are going to think you've been waiting all day to see this, and not that you just casual fit it into your busy schedule. be cool.
- find a small row of three and sit directly in the middle. before the movie starts people will think you are meeting someone. and when the movie starts you get a whole row to yourself. and if someone does sit next to you, then they are seeing it alone too. good chance to make a new friend or to at least look like you came with someone.
- and lastly, if you are going to see a movie by yourself, make sure its worth it. see something like The Dark Knight. totally and completely worth it.
i really am going to miss everyone a lot. and it feel likes its coming up so soon. but i am thrilled. soooooooo excited. can you believe it? can you?
i really can't.
7.18.2008
coffee, receipts, and ginna
16 days before i leave for california.
there is a women who comes into toomers coffee everyday, usually in the morning, and gets the exact same thing every day. 16 oz. espresso ice rage, with an extra shot, and a sunrise muffin. the exact price of her breakfast is 7 dollars even. sometimes she gets a breakfast sandwich, making her total around $11 and some change. every day. EVERY day. 6 days a week, thats roughly $45 a week on avg. lets be generous and say 50 weeks a year. $2100 a year. she loads up her card every week and a half with $100. its insane. and thats not counting the days she comes in twice or buys food for her office. she buys A LOT for her office. its crazy how much money this women spends. she is a wonderful women, i am not judging her character. she really is so so sweet. but i just wonder how anyone could do that. but then if you really think about how much do we all do that? how many times a week do you go to starbucks or the local shops around you and put down $5 for a drink that last you 10 minutes and 3 hours later crave another. the coffee industry in america is kinda stupid. i love coffee. i mean i LOVE LOVE LOVE coffee but think about how we have changed it. how we have made it into another something that doesn't really improve our lives, but adds pounds and takes money from our wallets, and really keeps us from doing a lot of good.
i'm gonna try and give it up sometime soon. not now, but soon. really, i am.
another thing thats been on my mind is receipts. my purse is filled with them. not that i spend a lot of money and therefore get a lot of receipts. but its like mindless. i get a receipt from dinner sometimes two and they go right into my bag. why two? why one? why not ask me if i want one, and if i do then use the paper to do it. i feel like i am wasting unnecessary energy and trees every time i buy something. i do online banking. really online everything. all of my bills, all of my statements. its all online. it saves so much paper.
i'm ranting about things that bother me.
i love ginna. she is so funny. ha. she told me to write that. if you don't know her, know her. now. really seriously add her on facebook and start a conversation. i really do love her. she is one of the most inspiring people i know. her life is a reflection of who God is and what He can do in someones life. if you wanna see God's working and see how a relationship influences the day to day, look at her. and consistent. she is always there for me when i need someone to talk to or to laugh with or just to sit in an empty living room and do nothing with. i love that we can be together and not even talk and yet she is still comforting me. the secret to me and ginna's relationship, its totally given by the Lord.
i met ginna when i started working at toomers in november. she was the first person i worked with and it was amazing the connection we had. we had so much in common and everytime we found out something else we shared it was like God was saying, "hey here I have a best friend for you." the first few months at toomers i don't think i stopped laughing the entire time. it was uncontrollable. there would be time i would be doubled over in the back kitchen laughing so hard i was crying over absolutely nothing. but something about ginna makes me that way. incredibly happy.
this is why i love ginna caldwell.
there is a women who comes into toomers coffee everyday, usually in the morning, and gets the exact same thing every day. 16 oz. espresso ice rage, with an extra shot, and a sunrise muffin. the exact price of her breakfast is 7 dollars even. sometimes she gets a breakfast sandwich, making her total around $11 and some change. every day. EVERY day. 6 days a week, thats roughly $45 a week on avg. lets be generous and say 50 weeks a year. $2100 a year. she loads up her card every week and a half with $100. its insane. and thats not counting the days she comes in twice or buys food for her office. she buys A LOT for her office. its crazy how much money this women spends. she is a wonderful women, i am not judging her character. she really is so so sweet. but i just wonder how anyone could do that. but then if you really think about how much do we all do that? how many times a week do you go to starbucks or the local shops around you and put down $5 for a drink that last you 10 minutes and 3 hours later crave another. the coffee industry in america is kinda stupid. i love coffee. i mean i LOVE LOVE LOVE coffee but think about how we have changed it. how we have made it into another something that doesn't really improve our lives, but adds pounds and takes money from our wallets, and really keeps us from doing a lot of good.
i'm gonna try and give it up sometime soon. not now, but soon. really, i am.
another thing thats been on my mind is receipts. my purse is filled with them. not that i spend a lot of money and therefore get a lot of receipts. but its like mindless. i get a receipt from dinner sometimes two and they go right into my bag. why two? why one? why not ask me if i want one, and if i do then use the paper to do it. i feel like i am wasting unnecessary energy and trees every time i buy something. i do online banking. really online everything. all of my bills, all of my statements. its all online. it saves so much paper.
i'm ranting about things that bother me.
i love ginna. she is so funny. ha. she told me to write that. if you don't know her, know her. now. really seriously add her on facebook and start a conversation. i really do love her. she is one of the most inspiring people i know. her life is a reflection of who God is and what He can do in someones life. if you wanna see God's working and see how a relationship influences the day to day, look at her. and consistent. she is always there for me when i need someone to talk to or to laugh with or just to sit in an empty living room and do nothing with. i love that we can be together and not even talk and yet she is still comforting me. the secret to me and ginna's relationship, its totally given by the Lord.
i met ginna when i started working at toomers in november. she was the first person i worked with and it was amazing the connection we had. we had so much in common and everytime we found out something else we shared it was like God was saying, "hey here I have a best friend for you." the first few months at toomers i don't think i stopped laughing the entire time. it was uncontrollable. there would be time i would be doubled over in the back kitchen laughing so hard i was crying over absolutely nothing. but something about ginna makes me that way. incredibly happy.
this is why i love ginna caldwell.
7.14.2008
terrified.
so its been hitting me a little at a time. i am moving across the country in three weeks. and i have no clue what to expect. i get really excited, then i get the shivers, then i laugh, then i shiver again. how scary is that?!
i talked to megan o'neal (to me, mo) last night for a good while. if you don't know her, she was a pre-architecture student here at auburn for a year and a half, but took a semester off to work at a resort in mammoth, california last spring. the girl is amazing. and the whole time before she left, she would call me up and we would sit and talk about how scared she was about leaving. i of course took on the role of soother, and couldn't really understand why she was so scared. i mean this was an amazing adventure that she was about to go on to a completely different place, but fun and incredible experiences were guaranteed. what's so scary about it?!
thinking about this i have to smile a bit. no a lot. now i get it. and sweet mo got to reverse the roles a bit. its great how similar our situations are. i love her a lot.
yesterday at church, the message was about prayer. spoke directly to me. i am not a very good pray-er. i've always felt slightly stupid for praying because its not like God doesn't know these things already. and i do understand the idea and reality that this is about a relationship, it just makes me feel like i am being fake. even when i am alone. its something i need to get over before i move. the only thing that i can be sure of in san diego is Him. if i can't talk to Him, then i am gonna be headed for some really rough times.
in other thoughts, lately i have been really lonely. auburn has a good number of wonderful people in it right now, but i am just not feeling very with it. its almost like my confidence is getting really low and that in turn makes me feel like i am bothering people. i hate bothering people.
i talked to megan o'neal (to me, mo) last night for a good while. if you don't know her, she was a pre-architecture student here at auburn for a year and a half, but took a semester off to work at a resort in mammoth, california last spring. the girl is amazing. and the whole time before she left, she would call me up and we would sit and talk about how scared she was about leaving. i of course took on the role of soother, and couldn't really understand why she was so scared. i mean this was an amazing adventure that she was about to go on to a completely different place, but fun and incredible experiences were guaranteed. what's so scary about it?!
thinking about this i have to smile a bit. no a lot. now i get it. and sweet mo got to reverse the roles a bit. its great how similar our situations are. i love her a lot.
yesterday at church, the message was about prayer. spoke directly to me. i am not a very good pray-er. i've always felt slightly stupid for praying because its not like God doesn't know these things already. and i do understand the idea and reality that this is about a relationship, it just makes me feel like i am being fake. even when i am alone. its something i need to get over before i move. the only thing that i can be sure of in san diego is Him. if i can't talk to Him, then i am gonna be headed for some really rough times.
in other thoughts, lately i have been really lonely. auburn has a good number of wonderful people in it right now, but i am just not feeling very with it. its almost like my confidence is getting really low and that in turn makes me feel like i am bothering people. i hate bothering people.
7.12.2008
i'm wearing out the word excited.
i'm wearing out the word excited. its hard to believe that in three weeks i'll be moving to san diego. it hasn't hit me yet.
here's a little update on the situation.
i talked to my adviser about getting credit for the internship. she sent me to the political science department and they ended up just giving me 6 hours of credit, no strings. i'm not even a political science major. but i don't know, maybe i should be. so no worries on that. i'm still looking to get some money. being with out a job all semester is gonna hurt a little bit. i really need to be more trendy before i go out there. : ) i bought my plane ticket and i think i found a pretty great attic to house some stuff in it. there is a ghost of little girl to guard it (winks in your direction ginna). my mom is getting on board with it all. its just starting make logical sense.
God is so great to give this kind of picture. its one that starts out looking ridiculous. taking time off to run around the country, missing a semester of school, prolonging graduating and spending a lot of money i don't have and have no worldly assurance of getting. i am not at all surprised my parents are against it. but really a calling is a calling. it doesn't have to look like a clear path with cut back hedges and inch high grass starting out. He will turn insane idea into something legit. its gonna be amazing. and because i have no idea what to expect, i can go into this semester searching for an experience with God.
so last night i had a funny conversation with a great group about blogging. if you don't read biscuet's blog you should. www.biscuet.com. its really really good. but anyway, he writes every day about different things. not just about him and his experiences but other things that are on his mind, that he sees on tv, issues he wants to address. i guess i didn't think of blogs this way. but maybe i should. i just don't know that my thoughts about a movie or who i think is a better presidential candidate are that interesting. but then again you can skip the entry if you really want.
don't worry, i'd skip the one about the new president too.
believe it or not, i think about more than just san diego and africa. not a lot more, but some.
thursday night i went to atlanta to see a band play with a friend of mine. we got there and it was at a church, hosted by a youth group called "over thrive." it was probably the stupidest thing i have ever seen. sarah and i were the only ones over 17 there, minus the grandmothers in the back knitting and the youth pastor wearing jean cargo shorts and a bright lime green shirt that said over thrive on the front and staff (infection was in smaller letters underneath. i know, right?) on the back. every kid there was wearing the usual high school scene clothes and acting cool than the person next to them.
it was awkward to say the least, the very very least. i never want to go back. i just know thats what i looked like, and the way i acted. and whether i knew or even liked the band, i tapped my foot and nodded my head. at least in bham, we had real venues.
the whole situation made me really aware of how much i have changed. how much everyone has changed. not in clothes or music opinions, but in exclusive attitudes, the striving to be as independent and different as possible.
i found myself thinking about old things. old people, music, places. al's after shows, cave 9 for some random band, cool beans every morning before school, drinking beer at the ship yard, sloss in the middle of the day, secret dates with justin, going to playgrounds in the middle of the night to smoke, and laughing with meredith about nothing. those were some of the best and worst times of my life. i don't miss it at all. i hated myself a lot.
so glad He saved me. : )
here's a little update on the situation.
i talked to my adviser about getting credit for the internship. she sent me to the political science department and they ended up just giving me 6 hours of credit, no strings. i'm not even a political science major. but i don't know, maybe i should be. so no worries on that. i'm still looking to get some money. being with out a job all semester is gonna hurt a little bit. i really need to be more trendy before i go out there. : ) i bought my plane ticket and i think i found a pretty great attic to house some stuff in it. there is a ghost of little girl to guard it (winks in your direction ginna). my mom is getting on board with it all. its just starting make logical sense.
God is so great to give this kind of picture. its one that starts out looking ridiculous. taking time off to run around the country, missing a semester of school, prolonging graduating and spending a lot of money i don't have and have no worldly assurance of getting. i am not at all surprised my parents are against it. but really a calling is a calling. it doesn't have to look like a clear path with cut back hedges and inch high grass starting out. He will turn insane idea into something legit. its gonna be amazing. and because i have no idea what to expect, i can go into this semester searching for an experience with God.
so last night i had a funny conversation with a great group about blogging. if you don't read biscuet's blog you should. www.biscuet.com. its really really good. but anyway, he writes every day about different things. not just about him and his experiences but other things that are on his mind, that he sees on tv, issues he wants to address. i guess i didn't think of blogs this way. but maybe i should. i just don't know that my thoughts about a movie or who i think is a better presidential candidate are that interesting. but then again you can skip the entry if you really want.
don't worry, i'd skip the one about the new president too.
believe it or not, i think about more than just san diego and africa. not a lot more, but some.
thursday night i went to atlanta to see a band play with a friend of mine. we got there and it was at a church, hosted by a youth group called "over thrive." it was probably the stupidest thing i have ever seen. sarah and i were the only ones over 17 there, minus the grandmothers in the back knitting and the youth pastor wearing jean cargo shorts and a bright lime green shirt that said over thrive on the front and staff (infection was in smaller letters underneath. i know, right?) on the back. every kid there was wearing the usual high school scene clothes and acting cool than the person next to them.
it was awkward to say the least, the very very least. i never want to go back. i just know thats what i looked like, and the way i acted. and whether i knew or even liked the band, i tapped my foot and nodded my head. at least in bham, we had real venues.
the whole situation made me really aware of how much i have changed. how much everyone has changed. not in clothes or music opinions, but in exclusive attitudes, the striving to be as independent and different as possible.
i found myself thinking about old things. old people, music, places. al's after shows, cave 9 for some random band, cool beans every morning before school, drinking beer at the ship yard, sloss in the middle of the day, secret dates with justin, going to playgrounds in the middle of the night to smoke, and laughing with meredith about nothing. those were some of the best and worst times of my life. i don't miss it at all. i hated myself a lot.
so glad He saved me. : )
7.08.2008
the next month's "to-do" list
so i got it. i got the internship. i'm going to be working in san diego in the invisible children office for five months starting in august. its a lot different than what i thought it would be. i was thinking that i would a roadie, spending a month or so in the office and taking off for a two and a half month road trip. but turns out, God has a better plan. His plan is always better.
so i'll be in san diego for the entire 5 months, living in the intern house, going to work everyday, turning 21, and living life as a employee of invisible children. i never thought it would happen. but i feel like no one that works for them ever does.
i talked to tiffany keasey today for a good while and she basically gave me a run down of what this next month needs to look like, things she needs from me and how to go about getting to san diego. i got so overwhelmed and excited i got dizzy. it was so weird. so i immediately pull out a piece of paper and started making my to-do list. here it is:
starting july 8 and ending hopefully aug. 1
TO-DO
so this is what i have to do. and its a lot.
but at the end of my list this is what i wrote in really large letters.
"GOD IS THE PLAN. if things on this list don't go as well as you hoped or don't go at all, DO NOT LOSE HEART. this is for Him, not for you. He will make it work."
then i wrote at the top "PRAYER: Keep HIM in mind always."
see, minus three or four things this isn't a list of things that has to be done. this is stuff that will make it easier for me to go. and if they don't work out or become a huge struggle then it is in HIS plan that i work harder for this, that i skip a few meals while i'm there, that i really feel the weight of leaving to do this.
i don't know maybe i'm being overly dramatic. but as soon as we got a break in class i rushed to the bathroom to pray out loud for, not the things on this list to go well or to happen, but for THE LORD'S WILL. i want this semester to be about Him changing me, not about me leading the show. so i prayed for it. please pray for that too.
add-on: i just found out that the stipend that i knew would be given to us for food is coming from support we raise. we are told we need between 1500-2000. since i just raised support for uganda i won't be able really to do it the same way. this comes back to #4, #14, #15, #19.
and to add to the Lord's humor in all of this, i found out about 20 minutes after i bought my plane ticket.
no turning back now!!
so i'll be in san diego for the entire 5 months, living in the intern house, going to work everyday, turning 21, and living life as a employee of invisible children. i never thought it would happen. but i feel like no one that works for them ever does.
i talked to tiffany keasey today for a good while and she basically gave me a run down of what this next month needs to look like, things she needs from me and how to go about getting to san diego. i got so overwhelmed and excited i got dizzy. it was so weird. so i immediately pull out a piece of paper and started making my to-do list. here it is:
starting july 8 and ending hopefully aug. 1
TO-DO
- check on my exams, make sure i can take them early
- buy plane ticket
- get package from office and evaluate
- sell car
- move out of my apartment
- find a place to put all my stuff while i am gone
- send flight itinerary to lacey in the office
- go over job description and prepare
- visit adviser and ask about school credit, money/scholarship, and transfer to business school
- message all known interns
- maybe cancel classes/ sign up for internship class
- check on loans
- check on health insurance
- calculate spending
- start getting rid of stuff/ OWN LESS
- talk all this over with my mom
- call bryant and find out what he wants of my stuff
- make a pile of crap i don't want/can't sell and let ginna or anyone else go through it.
- find out how to get $700-900
so this is what i have to do. and its a lot.
but at the end of my list this is what i wrote in really large letters.
"GOD IS THE PLAN. if things on this list don't go as well as you hoped or don't go at all, DO NOT LOSE HEART. this is for Him, not for you. He will make it work."
then i wrote at the top "PRAYER: Keep HIM in mind always."
see, minus three or four things this isn't a list of things that has to be done. this is stuff that will make it easier for me to go. and if they don't work out or become a huge struggle then it is in HIS plan that i work harder for this, that i skip a few meals while i'm there, that i really feel the weight of leaving to do this.
i don't know maybe i'm being overly dramatic. but as soon as we got a break in class i rushed to the bathroom to pray out loud for, not the things on this list to go well or to happen, but for THE LORD'S WILL. i want this semester to be about Him changing me, not about me leading the show. so i prayed for it. please pray for that too.
add-on: i just found out that the stipend that i knew would be given to us for food is coming from support we raise. we are told we need between 1500-2000. since i just raised support for uganda i won't be able really to do it the same way. this comes back to #4, #14, #15, #19.
and to add to the Lord's humor in all of this, i found out about 20 minutes after i bought my plane ticket.
no turning back now!!
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