hungry

last night i went to a bible study with ginna. this happened to be the last night of it, so i was coming in kind of late. it was at a woman named jen's house and it was a group of about 12ish girls.

i'm gonna be real honest. i haven't been reading. i haven't been studying. i haven't taken my bible out of my car. God to me in the past few weeks is someone i go to to talk about san diego and how scared i am. He is some big eyes watching me from above. and its has been awful. i have been craving the relationship. i have been longing for the connection. the real prayer. not the "hey God this is what i need" but the "I feel You Lord, i want to hear You and i want to just BE with You."

i've been on the verge of tears for the past week. kinda sucking it up, knowing that as soon as i want it i can have it. i can't tell you what has been keeping me away. business, laziness, selfishness, confusion, stress, self-interest, socializing. it is a combo of any of those things.

but really enough is enough.
last night the reality of sitting in that room talking about the word (1 Peter 2) and the message of submission. i really did break a little. i didn't want to talk about san diego, i didn't want to watch tv or a movie, i didn't want to read my cheesy girlie book. i just wanted to get into the word. it was a hunger, it was burning inside me. it was like i hadn't had water in so long and all i wanted was water nothing else would help. i wanted to burst into tears right there in the floor.

my mind started thinking about who i could go to. who could i open up the word with? katie, or jen? maybe kara leigh would have sometime. and what about when i go to california? can i get some sort of scheduled bible study material from grace campus or from ginna or sydney? how can i do this alone?

and then God said "are you kidding Me? really? I just brought you to tears and you are running to someone else for the way? you are turning to other people to carry you to Me? I AM right here."

i don't need anyone else. i don't need to build up my relationship with Him through other people. He has given me all the resources i need to follow Him, to have a relationship with Him. i have to stop trying to get someone else involved. or lean on someone else.