Its been over a month and a half since my last update.
For that I am truly truly sorry.
But really that means that things have been going well. Life is San Diego is not like I thought it would be.
The last post I was depressed without roadies. Now it feels normal. When they get back, this house is gonna be strange.
Sooooo where to begin?!
The past month has been crazy busy. Our work load as interns is... amazingly intense. Its good work, completely necessary for tour to go on, but its tedious and stressful.
The office is quiet, but nice. At first it was weird just walking into work turning on all the lights and sitting at a desk for 3 hours before you say anything to anyone. But now its become home. The people are awesome, there is always something going on, and its just overall a really fun office to work in.
As far as getting to know staff, it hasn't been like we thought. As soon as tour launched, they were all jetting off to different places and seeing the roadies or going to Europe, or climbing Inca ruins in Peru. It was madness and kinda frustrating. Being stuck in an office with no promise of going anywhere, not hearing from any of the people who were doing all this work for (without getting paid) got super frustrating. But that's tour. Its hard. I just don't think people thinks its as hard for the interns as it is for the roadies. Which really isn't true at all.
It's been difficult. Living with three people, going to work everyday with the same three people, hanging out with those three people, coming home to the same three people, eating all your meals with the same three people, going to church, the beach, the grocery store, parties, coffee in the mornings, speaking engagements, road trips, pretty much everything with the same three people.
And while I love these girls so much, we aren't really anything alike. We're more family than best friends. So for sure its been really hard. But in the same context I've grown a lot.
God been teaching me about so many things. Bringing to light things in me that I didn't know I had or was. Growing qualities that I love in other people. Creating this dependence on Him that I never would have had if I had been in Auburn this semester. He is teaching me how to love some of the hardest people to love. To know that no matter where in this world I am, I can have an impact. I can be the change.
He has taught me that I've glorified certain people and jobs and places far more than I ever should have. That being in Auburn, as a student, with the incredible friends that I have, is just the same as being here in San Diego, working for Invisible Children, being around these equally amazing people.
So the past two months have been a whirlwind of emotion and the next two are going to be the same. I am so ready for the roadies to come back and stir things up.
One of the three interns left for good, so its just two of us now. Our work load has doubled and I am not handling it well. But I'm trying this new thing where I don't complain. Perfect timing. : )
Next week, my WONDERFUL AMAZING BEAUTIFUL LOVING friends have bought me a plane ticket home for my birthday. I'll be turning 21 and I am so excited. I can't wait to be in Auburn for a few days, see some lovely people, and get away for a bit.
Then its back to Sandy Eggo for around 10 days of work, getting the house ready for the roadies to come home, and then I head off to Lincoln, NE to spend the last days of tour with Middle America. I get to be with them for that week, and ride ALL the way back to California with them. I am sooooooooooooooooo excited for it. Its gonna be an amazing journey.
Then the last month. Maybe...
more to come...
10.25.2008
9.06.2008
tour has launched, and my heart is a bit sinking.
my heart is very much hurting right now.
tour launched and the roadies are gone. some are in chicago, texas, and yosemite. its insane how close we all felt to each other three days ago, to the point where all we wanted was some space. now we are 3000 miles away from one another. i'm not gonna lie, i miss them whole heartedly.
the house that we live in is massive, but when the roadies were here it felt too small. now its empty, and there are so many ghosts. i don't mean it to be dramatic. really there are. i walked downstairs two nights ago and it was the most erie feeling not coming down to three or four guys making food, one or two skateboarding down the hallway, and two sleeping on the couch. instead it was dead quiet except for a fan that was going in one of the bedrooms.
the past week has been exhausting and amazing. we didn't really stop moving until thursday around 1. i slept 4 hours in two days. but really it was so much fun getting to go through it all. but its time move on from roadies being here. i officially live in a completely new place.
the office is so quiet but i really like it. we all moved into the same room which is fun. and we get to hang with staff more. but its quiet for sure.
its like 50 of my closest friends just moved away for 2 months to some place absolutely incredible, and i can't go too.
i know this is place i am supposed to be but it feels like a part is missing now.
how in the world am i going to handle december?!
i lost everyones numbers. my phone deleted them. CALL ME!!
tour launched and the roadies are gone. some are in chicago, texas, and yosemite. its insane how close we all felt to each other three days ago, to the point where all we wanted was some space. now we are 3000 miles away from one another. i'm not gonna lie, i miss them whole heartedly.
the house that we live in is massive, but when the roadies were here it felt too small. now its empty, and there are so many ghosts. i don't mean it to be dramatic. really there are. i walked downstairs two nights ago and it was the most erie feeling not coming down to three or four guys making food, one or two skateboarding down the hallway, and two sleeping on the couch. instead it was dead quiet except for a fan that was going in one of the bedrooms.
the past week has been exhausting and amazing. we didn't really stop moving until thursday around 1. i slept 4 hours in two days. but really it was so much fun getting to go through it all. but its time move on from roadies being here. i officially live in a completely new place.
the office is so quiet but i really like it. we all moved into the same room which is fun. and we get to hang with staff more. but its quiet for sure.
its like 50 of my closest friends just moved away for 2 months to some place absolutely incredible, and i can't go too.
i know this is place i am supposed to be but it feels like a part is missing now.
how in the world am i going to handle december?!
i lost everyones numbers. my phone deleted them. CALL ME!!
9.01.2008
tiny update.
so i know i haven't done this in soooooo long. but know that i plan on it as soon as launch week is over.
which is friday. I PROMISE. if i don't you have permission to hate me. : )
the roadies leave on thursday. super sad and only a little good.
i might be headed for some form of depression soon.
i love and miss all of you.
which is friday. I PROMISE. if i don't you have permission to hate me. : )
the roadies leave on thursday. super sad and only a little good.
i might be headed for some form of depression soon.
i love and miss all of you.
8.22.2008
every day my heart is wrecked here. i can't believe how much it hurts just being at work.
but i'll get back to that.
sunday we went on our retreat and it really wasn't a retreat in the sense that you would thing. we basically just changed locations, and did the same about of work, same hours if not more. but it was so nice to be in the mountains and around trees. it was like being in alabama. : ) missing it a lot. i miss the trees and the fact that its southern. i miss chic-fil-a (there is a rumor of one is point loma, and i am totally going there this weekend, even if i have to walk!) and football excitement.
what was i saying? oh yeah retreat. it was kinda hard being there because everything was super focused on the roadies, and nothing really was said about the interns. in fact nothing has been said about them at all. not one word. we just kind of are here, and we ask for things to do and they give them to us. its so hard. its like we don't really belong.
but enough whining. ha. i am so thrilled to be in the office, and i don't think i would change it if i could.
tuesday night i went out with lauren, matt, and nelly. we went to this coffee cigar shop, and smoked hookah and it was really fun. i surprisingly liked it a lot. great conversation, good company, and well just an overall chill night.
wednesday night, i went to will boyd's community meeting with some roadies, and it was amazing. i got to listen to people talk about all their projects and all the organizations they are starting, as well as meet a pastor of a church, that seems to be really awesome, who is from montgomery and his wife went to auburn! he invited me to come to church and when football season starts go over to their house for games!!! then later that night we went to a bonfire on mission beach. so great. the water, at night, is so beautiful. love it.
tonight bobby bailey came and talked to us about his stuff that he's doing and once again my heart was wrecked by his video about congo. there is just so much pain in this world and i am being exposed to it every single day.
its hard because i just want to leave and go. but i am resisting change for some reason. its what i came for, but some how i am putting it off.
i can feel God tugging at me. i can feel Him working on my heart. it is so wonderful and horrible at the same time.
pray for me, that the breaking be drastic and intense, that my life is changed in MASSIVE MASSIVE ways. i want to be unafraid. i want to be reckless in His name.
but i'll get back to that.
sunday we went on our retreat and it really wasn't a retreat in the sense that you would thing. we basically just changed locations, and did the same about of work, same hours if not more. but it was so nice to be in the mountains and around trees. it was like being in alabama. : ) missing it a lot. i miss the trees and the fact that its southern. i miss chic-fil-a (there is a rumor of one is point loma, and i am totally going there this weekend, even if i have to walk!) and football excitement.
what was i saying? oh yeah retreat. it was kinda hard being there because everything was super focused on the roadies, and nothing really was said about the interns. in fact nothing has been said about them at all. not one word. we just kind of are here, and we ask for things to do and they give them to us. its so hard. its like we don't really belong.
but enough whining. ha. i am so thrilled to be in the office, and i don't think i would change it if i could.
tuesday night i went out with lauren, matt, and nelly. we went to this coffee cigar shop, and smoked hookah and it was really fun. i surprisingly liked it a lot. great conversation, good company, and well just an overall chill night.
wednesday night, i went to will boyd's community meeting with some roadies, and it was amazing. i got to listen to people talk about all their projects and all the organizations they are starting, as well as meet a pastor of a church, that seems to be really awesome, who is from montgomery and his wife went to auburn! he invited me to come to church and when football season starts go over to their house for games!!! then later that night we went to a bonfire on mission beach. so great. the water, at night, is so beautiful. love it.
tonight bobby bailey came and talked to us about his stuff that he's doing and once again my heart was wrecked by his video about congo. there is just so much pain in this world and i am being exposed to it every single day.
its hard because i just want to leave and go. but i am resisting change for some reason. its what i came for, but some how i am putting it off.
i can feel God tugging at me. i can feel Him working on my heart. it is so wonderful and horrible at the same time.
pray for me, that the breaking be drastic and intense, that my life is changed in MASSIVE MASSIVE ways. i want to be unafraid. i want to be reckless in His name.
8.16.2008
delay of connections.
i never have time. i feel awful about it but really i don't know what to do. when i finally get a minute to be alone its 1030 here, 1230 where you are. i wanna call, i wanna catch up but it just never happens. for that i am deeply sorry.
life here is strange. its filled with emotion, drama, boredom, frozen yogurt, the beach, stress, inspiration every hour. i don't know what the day will look like when i wake up, which is scary. its wonderful, but hard.
i miss home. i miss familar. everyday though is different. i think it was wednesday, i called my mother crying. i never do that. she is my best friend, but i haven't ever called someone just to have someone listen to me cry. but then thursday was a great day.
tiring. very tiring.
go see the movie "american teen" WONDERFUL.
i'm making some amazing friends. its really good.
tomorrow we are going on a retreat. i am so excited to be around a lot trees and not need a ride to places.
life here is strange. its filled with emotion, drama, boredom, frozen yogurt, the beach, stress, inspiration every hour. i don't know what the day will look like when i wake up, which is scary. its wonderful, but hard.
i miss home. i miss familar. everyday though is different. i think it was wednesday, i called my mother crying. i never do that. she is my best friend, but i haven't ever called someone just to have someone listen to me cry. but then thursday was a great day.
tiring. very tiring.
go see the movie "american teen" WONDERFUL.
i'm making some amazing friends. its really good.
tomorrow we are going on a retreat. i am so excited to be around a lot trees and not need a ride to places.
8.10.2008
the madness
its been about 5 days, but it feelS like a life time. its becoming really strange to think about home and see myself there. i know that sounds slightly dramatic. but seriously, its hard to believe i was in alabama less than a week ago and that i haven't been doing this and being here for the past year.
but in other updates!! i love this place. i haven't even put my first week behind me yet and i have already experienced some amazing things.
thursday night: i walked around downtown san diego with a group. loved it and hated it. its a very touristy place in some spots and then in others its very trendy. there are a ton of restaurants and they are pretty pricey. but there is a great view of the bay from the top of the community center.
we have to take a trolley everywhere, which is kinda lame. it costs a little money, but if you feel like you need to go somewhere all the time, it costs you a lot.
friday: the best day ever. i'm gonna say that a lot cause i feel like my days are gonna get better and better. but seriously awesome day. we started off at work with a session with jason russell (founder and filmmaker, all around AMAZING guy). he basically shared his story, his love for the Lord and explained why he felt this organization was here because of Him. along with my kix and blueberries, it was perfect start to a day. i cried pretty much the whole time. so good.
then we had lunch break did some computer system work, and then it was back in the conference room for some tour training. after that jason came back in and showed us the new ACDC podcast that links jon chu (director of step up 2) to invisible children and jason. look for it on youtube. well then, he went ahead and introduced chu and chris, one of the dancers from the movie. if you've seen it, hes the tap dancer. so so so cool. jon talked for a while and then we had a danced battle between some of the roadies and jon, jason, and chris. sooooo funny. i think there will be videos soon.
we ate dinner at the office and then all went to the opening of jason's new musical, its called "alice." look up the trailor. it was awesome. it was a mixture of high school musical (the good parts) and alice in wonderland.
saturday: i got up had an awesome breakfast, then headed off to the beach. a group of girls and i went to find a coffee shop before hand cause our internet has been down at the house. then we met up with the rest of the group, laid out on the beach and swam a little. it was really fun. i got a little sun burned, but nothing too bad. i went and got ice cream with claire and her friends from school that drove down. it was really good to sit and talk without a huge group around. later on i played some truth or dare jenga and watch dumb and dumber with the house.
soooooo thats whats been going on. its really awesome. i expect it will only get better. i plan on making some calls today so hopefully ill talk to some of you.
hanging out with will tonight and going to church! LOVE LOVE LOVE!!
but in other updates!! i love this place. i haven't even put my first week behind me yet and i have already experienced some amazing things.
thursday night: i walked around downtown san diego with a group. loved it and hated it. its a very touristy place in some spots and then in others its very trendy. there are a ton of restaurants and they are pretty pricey. but there is a great view of the bay from the top of the community center.
we have to take a trolley everywhere, which is kinda lame. it costs a little money, but if you feel like you need to go somewhere all the time, it costs you a lot.
friday: the best day ever. i'm gonna say that a lot cause i feel like my days are gonna get better and better. but seriously awesome day. we started off at work with a session with jason russell (founder and filmmaker, all around AMAZING guy). he basically shared his story, his love for the Lord and explained why he felt this organization was here because of Him. along with my kix and blueberries, it was perfect start to a day. i cried pretty much the whole time. so good.
then we had lunch break did some computer system work, and then it was back in the conference room for some tour training. after that jason came back in and showed us the new ACDC podcast that links jon chu (director of step up 2) to invisible children and jason. look for it on youtube. well then, he went ahead and introduced chu and chris, one of the dancers from the movie. if you've seen it, hes the tap dancer. so so so cool. jon talked for a while and then we had a danced battle between some of the roadies and jon, jason, and chris. sooooo funny. i think there will be videos soon.
we ate dinner at the office and then all went to the opening of jason's new musical, its called "alice." look up the trailor. it was awesome. it was a mixture of high school musical (the good parts) and alice in wonderland.
saturday: i got up had an awesome breakfast, then headed off to the beach. a group of girls and i went to find a coffee shop before hand cause our internet has been down at the house. then we met up with the rest of the group, laid out on the beach and swam a little. it was really fun. i got a little sun burned, but nothing too bad. i went and got ice cream with claire and her friends from school that drove down. it was really good to sit and talk without a huge group around. later on i played some truth or dare jenga and watch dumb and dumber with the house.
soooooo thats whats been going on. its really awesome. i expect it will only get better. i plan on making some calls today so hopefully ill talk to some of you.
hanging out with will tonight and going to church! LOVE LOVE LOVE!!
8.07.2008
so i'm here!! and well, i'm busy. its been a huge whirlwind since two mondays ago.
two mondays ago, i started the process of moving out of my apartment. it was long and very tiring. by friday when i finished cleaning i had lost like 20 pounds in sweat and plenty of hours of sleep. i turned in my key, went to classes, then headed to bham for my last weekend in town.
the weekend was really great. got to see and hang out with lovely people that i am missing already. after the weekend, i went back to auburn and took my exams.
monday night was really great. i had a little get together at toomers with friends from auburn and said goodbye. ginna and i went back to birmingham monday night around 10.
tuesday (last day in the dirty south) i had breakfast with my grandmother and sister. soooo good to see them before i left. lunch time had some awesome friends over to say bye and general freak out with. i just couldn't believe i was leaving.
around 4 went to the airport, cried a little with my mom, a lot with out. 545 hopped on a plane and headed out. there was a hurricane in houston, where my connecting flight was, so i saw some killer cloud forms and generally amazing things my beautiful Lord created. i got on another plane headed for san diego with a stop in phoenix. problem: here. phoenix was having some gnarley weather and we had to bypass it to go to tuscan and get gas. we went back to phoenix, saw some killer lightning storms, dropped people off, then finally headed to san diego. around about a 3 hour delay.
so getting into san diego at 1045 turning into 1. LAME!!
i got about 4 hours of sleep and then headed into a 9 hour day at work, in which i didn't know what i was doing. i've been catching up the whole two days. cool thing though: i went to lunch with jared white and adam finck. they are the mission coordinator and mission director for IC. awesome awesome guys. it was a group of four of us. totally personal and really fun.
last night i went to target and panera with a group of girls and it was soooo good. i really love all the interns, and there are some really great people here. last night i just settled, studied some material with the group, had a surprise visit from an old roadie, and hung out.
the house is HUGE and super crazy. i live in the loft. its an upstairs room for girls and its kinda open to the rest of the house. cool and really lame cause you can hear everything going on in the house. and its really hot. im working on getting a fan in there.
today was really good. i got to sit in on our first meeting with the IC staff- no roadies. it was really cool to see how it all goes down, and get to put in some thoughts. felt really awesome to work so closely with the beginning of great ideas.
then i started my job!! the actually thing that i, as an intern, get to do. and my regional manager said i was doing better than all the other interns!!
i am feeling really really good.
so just a fair warning so no ones feelings get hurt. I HAVE NO TIME!! when i get back to the house at 6ish, it is crazy until about 9 and by then its 11 there. so catching up and all will have to take place on the weekends.
i really just want to be here ya know? i don't want to take time away from this team to talk on the phone. my main focus is soaking all of this up.
nothing nothing nothing personal. i love all of you. know that.
gosh, can you believe it?!!?
two mondays ago, i started the process of moving out of my apartment. it was long and very tiring. by friday when i finished cleaning i had lost like 20 pounds in sweat and plenty of hours of sleep. i turned in my key, went to classes, then headed to bham for my last weekend in town.
the weekend was really great. got to see and hang out with lovely people that i am missing already. after the weekend, i went back to auburn and took my exams.
monday night was really great. i had a little get together at toomers with friends from auburn and said goodbye. ginna and i went back to birmingham monday night around 10.
tuesday (last day in the dirty south) i had breakfast with my grandmother and sister. soooo good to see them before i left. lunch time had some awesome friends over to say bye and general freak out with. i just couldn't believe i was leaving.
around 4 went to the airport, cried a little with my mom, a lot with out. 545 hopped on a plane and headed out. there was a hurricane in houston, where my connecting flight was, so i saw some killer cloud forms and generally amazing things my beautiful Lord created. i got on another plane headed for san diego with a stop in phoenix. problem: here. phoenix was having some gnarley weather and we had to bypass it to go to tuscan and get gas. we went back to phoenix, saw some killer lightning storms, dropped people off, then finally headed to san diego. around about a 3 hour delay.
so getting into san diego at 1045 turning into 1. LAME!!
i got about 4 hours of sleep and then headed into a 9 hour day at work, in which i didn't know what i was doing. i've been catching up the whole two days. cool thing though: i went to lunch with jared white and adam finck. they are the mission coordinator and mission director for IC. awesome awesome guys. it was a group of four of us. totally personal and really fun.
last night i went to target and panera with a group of girls and it was soooo good. i really love all the interns, and there are some really great people here. last night i just settled, studied some material with the group, had a surprise visit from an old roadie, and hung out.
the house is HUGE and super crazy. i live in the loft. its an upstairs room for girls and its kinda open to the rest of the house. cool and really lame cause you can hear everything going on in the house. and its really hot. im working on getting a fan in there.
today was really good. i got to sit in on our first meeting with the IC staff- no roadies. it was really cool to see how it all goes down, and get to put in some thoughts. felt really awesome to work so closely with the beginning of great ideas.
then i started my job!! the actually thing that i, as an intern, get to do. and my regional manager said i was doing better than all the other interns!!
i am feeling really really good.
so just a fair warning so no ones feelings get hurt. I HAVE NO TIME!! when i get back to the house at 6ish, it is crazy until about 9 and by then its 11 there. so catching up and all will have to take place on the weekends.
i really just want to be here ya know? i don't want to take time away from this team to talk on the phone. my main focus is soaking all of this up.
nothing nothing nothing personal. i love all of you. know that.
gosh, can you believe it?!!?
7.27.2008
bryant
i really love my brother bryant. he is two years older than me but miles away from the place i am at. at least thats what i thought.
recently he has been going through some financial issues. and well its breaking my heart. he works really hard. sure he makes mistakes, and has made a lot of poor choices, but who in the world doesn't? now he is in a hole. and he is getting screwed over by his roommates.
i think the reason why we've been given these struggles is because we can handle it. he is strong. he has that heart.
i have been praying all day for the Lord to deliver him from this. i can see the hurt and struggle in his eyes. its just so hard. i know the feeling he is feeling. sinking, and its like a physical pain because you have no idea how you will get out of it. where in the world will the money come from? really heart breaking.
the Lord has a plan. i know that He holds bryant and the rest of us in His hands. right next to Him. i hope that bryant finds this to be his reality and that this ends soon for him.
recently he has been going through some financial issues. and well its breaking my heart. he works really hard. sure he makes mistakes, and has made a lot of poor choices, but who in the world doesn't? now he is in a hole. and he is getting screwed over by his roommates.
i think the reason why we've been given these struggles is because we can handle it. he is strong. he has that heart.
i have been praying all day for the Lord to deliver him from this. i can see the hurt and struggle in his eyes. its just so hard. i know the feeling he is feeling. sinking, and its like a physical pain because you have no idea how you will get out of it. where in the world will the money come from? really heart breaking.
the Lord has a plan. i know that He holds bryant and the rest of us in His hands. right next to Him. i hope that bryant finds this to be his reality and that this ends soon for him.
7.22.2008
hungry
last night i went to a bible study with ginna. this happened to be the last night of it, so i was coming in kind of late. it was at a woman named jen's house and it was a group of about 12ish girls.
i'm gonna be real honest. i haven't been reading. i haven't been studying. i haven't taken my bible out of my car. God to me in the past few weeks is someone i go to to talk about san diego and how scared i am. He is some big eyes watching me from above. and its has been awful. i have been craving the relationship. i have been longing for the connection. the real prayer. not the "hey God this is what i need" but the "I feel You Lord, i want to hear You and i want to just BE with You."
i've been on the verge of tears for the past week. kinda sucking it up, knowing that as soon as i want it i can have it. i can't tell you what has been keeping me away. business, laziness, selfishness, confusion, stress, self-interest, socializing. it is a combo of any of those things.
but really enough is enough.
last night the reality of sitting in that room talking about the word (1 Peter 2) and the message of submission. i really did break a little. i didn't want to talk about san diego, i didn't want to watch tv or a movie, i didn't want to read my cheesy girlie book. i just wanted to get into the word. it was a hunger, it was burning inside me. it was like i hadn't had water in so long and all i wanted was water nothing else would help. i wanted to burst into tears right there in the floor.
my mind started thinking about who i could go to. who could i open up the word with? katie, or jen? maybe kara leigh would have sometime. and what about when i go to california? can i get some sort of scheduled bible study material from grace campus or from ginna or sydney? how can i do this alone?
and then God said "are you kidding Me? really? I just brought you to tears and you are running to someone else for the way? you are turning to other people to carry you to Me? I AM right here."
i don't need anyone else. i don't need to build up my relationship with Him through other people. He has given me all the resources i need to follow Him, to have a relationship with Him. i have to stop trying to get someone else involved. or lean on someone else.
i'm gonna be real honest. i haven't been reading. i haven't been studying. i haven't taken my bible out of my car. God to me in the past few weeks is someone i go to to talk about san diego and how scared i am. He is some big eyes watching me from above. and its has been awful. i have been craving the relationship. i have been longing for the connection. the real prayer. not the "hey God this is what i need" but the "I feel You Lord, i want to hear You and i want to just BE with You."
i've been on the verge of tears for the past week. kinda sucking it up, knowing that as soon as i want it i can have it. i can't tell you what has been keeping me away. business, laziness, selfishness, confusion, stress, self-interest, socializing. it is a combo of any of those things.
but really enough is enough.
last night the reality of sitting in that room talking about the word (1 Peter 2) and the message of submission. i really did break a little. i didn't want to talk about san diego, i didn't want to watch tv or a movie, i didn't want to read my cheesy girlie book. i just wanted to get into the word. it was a hunger, it was burning inside me. it was like i hadn't had water in so long and all i wanted was water nothing else would help. i wanted to burst into tears right there in the floor.
my mind started thinking about who i could go to. who could i open up the word with? katie, or jen? maybe kara leigh would have sometime. and what about when i go to california? can i get some sort of scheduled bible study material from grace campus or from ginna or sydney? how can i do this alone?
and then God said "are you kidding Me? really? I just brought you to tears and you are running to someone else for the way? you are turning to other people to carry you to Me? I AM right here."
i don't need anyone else. i don't need to build up my relationship with Him through other people. He has given me all the resources i need to follow Him, to have a relationship with Him. i have to stop trying to get someone else involved. or lean on someone else.
7.21.2008
14 days
so here are some tips for seeing movies alone:
i really am going to miss everyone a lot. and it feel likes its coming up so soon. but i am thrilled. soooooooo excited. can you believe it? can you?
i really can't.
- wear something really cute. you gotta have some confidence going by yourself. if people look at you, its cause you look good. not cause you are sitting alone in a movie theater.
- make it dinner and a movie. if you are bold enough to not only sneak a snack in, but sneak an entire meal into the movie, you are definitely bold enough to go see it with out anyone else. plus it will give you something to do while the "screen vision" is playing.
- don't get there too early. its not like you have to look for more than one seat. and the same rules apply as going to any other social event. if you get there early people are going to think you've been waiting all day to see this, and not that you just casual fit it into your busy schedule. be cool.
- find a small row of three and sit directly in the middle. before the movie starts people will think you are meeting someone. and when the movie starts you get a whole row to yourself. and if someone does sit next to you, then they are seeing it alone too. good chance to make a new friend or to at least look like you came with someone.
- and lastly, if you are going to see a movie by yourself, make sure its worth it. see something like The Dark Knight. totally and completely worth it.
i really am going to miss everyone a lot. and it feel likes its coming up so soon. but i am thrilled. soooooooo excited. can you believe it? can you?
i really can't.
7.18.2008
coffee, receipts, and ginna
16 days before i leave for california.
there is a women who comes into toomers coffee everyday, usually in the morning, and gets the exact same thing every day. 16 oz. espresso ice rage, with an extra shot, and a sunrise muffin. the exact price of her breakfast is 7 dollars even. sometimes she gets a breakfast sandwich, making her total around $11 and some change. every day. EVERY day. 6 days a week, thats roughly $45 a week on avg. lets be generous and say 50 weeks a year. $2100 a year. she loads up her card every week and a half with $100. its insane. and thats not counting the days she comes in twice or buys food for her office. she buys A LOT for her office. its crazy how much money this women spends. she is a wonderful women, i am not judging her character. she really is so so sweet. but i just wonder how anyone could do that. but then if you really think about how much do we all do that? how many times a week do you go to starbucks or the local shops around you and put down $5 for a drink that last you 10 minutes and 3 hours later crave another. the coffee industry in america is kinda stupid. i love coffee. i mean i LOVE LOVE LOVE coffee but think about how we have changed it. how we have made it into another something that doesn't really improve our lives, but adds pounds and takes money from our wallets, and really keeps us from doing a lot of good.
i'm gonna try and give it up sometime soon. not now, but soon. really, i am.
another thing thats been on my mind is receipts. my purse is filled with them. not that i spend a lot of money and therefore get a lot of receipts. but its like mindless. i get a receipt from dinner sometimes two and they go right into my bag. why two? why one? why not ask me if i want one, and if i do then use the paper to do it. i feel like i am wasting unnecessary energy and trees every time i buy something. i do online banking. really online everything. all of my bills, all of my statements. its all online. it saves so much paper.
i'm ranting about things that bother me.
i love ginna. she is so funny. ha. she told me to write that. if you don't know her, know her. now. really seriously add her on facebook and start a conversation. i really do love her. she is one of the most inspiring people i know. her life is a reflection of who God is and what He can do in someones life. if you wanna see God's working and see how a relationship influences the day to day, look at her. and consistent. she is always there for me when i need someone to talk to or to laugh with or just to sit in an empty living room and do nothing with. i love that we can be together and not even talk and yet she is still comforting me. the secret to me and ginna's relationship, its totally given by the Lord.
i met ginna when i started working at toomers in november. she was the first person i worked with and it was amazing the connection we had. we had so much in common and everytime we found out something else we shared it was like God was saying, "hey here I have a best friend for you." the first few months at toomers i don't think i stopped laughing the entire time. it was uncontrollable. there would be time i would be doubled over in the back kitchen laughing so hard i was crying over absolutely nothing. but something about ginna makes me that way. incredibly happy.
this is why i love ginna caldwell.
there is a women who comes into toomers coffee everyday, usually in the morning, and gets the exact same thing every day. 16 oz. espresso ice rage, with an extra shot, and a sunrise muffin. the exact price of her breakfast is 7 dollars even. sometimes she gets a breakfast sandwich, making her total around $11 and some change. every day. EVERY day. 6 days a week, thats roughly $45 a week on avg. lets be generous and say 50 weeks a year. $2100 a year. she loads up her card every week and a half with $100. its insane. and thats not counting the days she comes in twice or buys food for her office. she buys A LOT for her office. its crazy how much money this women spends. she is a wonderful women, i am not judging her character. she really is so so sweet. but i just wonder how anyone could do that. but then if you really think about how much do we all do that? how many times a week do you go to starbucks or the local shops around you and put down $5 for a drink that last you 10 minutes and 3 hours later crave another. the coffee industry in america is kinda stupid. i love coffee. i mean i LOVE LOVE LOVE coffee but think about how we have changed it. how we have made it into another something that doesn't really improve our lives, but adds pounds and takes money from our wallets, and really keeps us from doing a lot of good.
i'm gonna try and give it up sometime soon. not now, but soon. really, i am.
another thing thats been on my mind is receipts. my purse is filled with them. not that i spend a lot of money and therefore get a lot of receipts. but its like mindless. i get a receipt from dinner sometimes two and they go right into my bag. why two? why one? why not ask me if i want one, and if i do then use the paper to do it. i feel like i am wasting unnecessary energy and trees every time i buy something. i do online banking. really online everything. all of my bills, all of my statements. its all online. it saves so much paper.
i'm ranting about things that bother me.
i love ginna. she is so funny. ha. she told me to write that. if you don't know her, know her. now. really seriously add her on facebook and start a conversation. i really do love her. she is one of the most inspiring people i know. her life is a reflection of who God is and what He can do in someones life. if you wanna see God's working and see how a relationship influences the day to day, look at her. and consistent. she is always there for me when i need someone to talk to or to laugh with or just to sit in an empty living room and do nothing with. i love that we can be together and not even talk and yet she is still comforting me. the secret to me and ginna's relationship, its totally given by the Lord.
i met ginna when i started working at toomers in november. she was the first person i worked with and it was amazing the connection we had. we had so much in common and everytime we found out something else we shared it was like God was saying, "hey here I have a best friend for you." the first few months at toomers i don't think i stopped laughing the entire time. it was uncontrollable. there would be time i would be doubled over in the back kitchen laughing so hard i was crying over absolutely nothing. but something about ginna makes me that way. incredibly happy.
this is why i love ginna caldwell.
7.14.2008
terrified.
so its been hitting me a little at a time. i am moving across the country in three weeks. and i have no clue what to expect. i get really excited, then i get the shivers, then i laugh, then i shiver again. how scary is that?!
i talked to megan o'neal (to me, mo) last night for a good while. if you don't know her, she was a pre-architecture student here at auburn for a year and a half, but took a semester off to work at a resort in mammoth, california last spring. the girl is amazing. and the whole time before she left, she would call me up and we would sit and talk about how scared she was about leaving. i of course took on the role of soother, and couldn't really understand why she was so scared. i mean this was an amazing adventure that she was about to go on to a completely different place, but fun and incredible experiences were guaranteed. what's so scary about it?!
thinking about this i have to smile a bit. no a lot. now i get it. and sweet mo got to reverse the roles a bit. its great how similar our situations are. i love her a lot.
yesterday at church, the message was about prayer. spoke directly to me. i am not a very good pray-er. i've always felt slightly stupid for praying because its not like God doesn't know these things already. and i do understand the idea and reality that this is about a relationship, it just makes me feel like i am being fake. even when i am alone. its something i need to get over before i move. the only thing that i can be sure of in san diego is Him. if i can't talk to Him, then i am gonna be headed for some really rough times.
in other thoughts, lately i have been really lonely. auburn has a good number of wonderful people in it right now, but i am just not feeling very with it. its almost like my confidence is getting really low and that in turn makes me feel like i am bothering people. i hate bothering people.
i talked to megan o'neal (to me, mo) last night for a good while. if you don't know her, she was a pre-architecture student here at auburn for a year and a half, but took a semester off to work at a resort in mammoth, california last spring. the girl is amazing. and the whole time before she left, she would call me up and we would sit and talk about how scared she was about leaving. i of course took on the role of soother, and couldn't really understand why she was so scared. i mean this was an amazing adventure that she was about to go on to a completely different place, but fun and incredible experiences were guaranteed. what's so scary about it?!
thinking about this i have to smile a bit. no a lot. now i get it. and sweet mo got to reverse the roles a bit. its great how similar our situations are. i love her a lot.
yesterday at church, the message was about prayer. spoke directly to me. i am not a very good pray-er. i've always felt slightly stupid for praying because its not like God doesn't know these things already. and i do understand the idea and reality that this is about a relationship, it just makes me feel like i am being fake. even when i am alone. its something i need to get over before i move. the only thing that i can be sure of in san diego is Him. if i can't talk to Him, then i am gonna be headed for some really rough times.
in other thoughts, lately i have been really lonely. auburn has a good number of wonderful people in it right now, but i am just not feeling very with it. its almost like my confidence is getting really low and that in turn makes me feel like i am bothering people. i hate bothering people.
7.12.2008
i'm wearing out the word excited.
i'm wearing out the word excited. its hard to believe that in three weeks i'll be moving to san diego. it hasn't hit me yet.
here's a little update on the situation.
i talked to my adviser about getting credit for the internship. she sent me to the political science department and they ended up just giving me 6 hours of credit, no strings. i'm not even a political science major. but i don't know, maybe i should be. so no worries on that. i'm still looking to get some money. being with out a job all semester is gonna hurt a little bit. i really need to be more trendy before i go out there. : ) i bought my plane ticket and i think i found a pretty great attic to house some stuff in it. there is a ghost of little girl to guard it (winks in your direction ginna). my mom is getting on board with it all. its just starting make logical sense.
God is so great to give this kind of picture. its one that starts out looking ridiculous. taking time off to run around the country, missing a semester of school, prolonging graduating and spending a lot of money i don't have and have no worldly assurance of getting. i am not at all surprised my parents are against it. but really a calling is a calling. it doesn't have to look like a clear path with cut back hedges and inch high grass starting out. He will turn insane idea into something legit. its gonna be amazing. and because i have no idea what to expect, i can go into this semester searching for an experience with God.
so last night i had a funny conversation with a great group about blogging. if you don't read biscuet's blog you should. www.biscuet.com. its really really good. but anyway, he writes every day about different things. not just about him and his experiences but other things that are on his mind, that he sees on tv, issues he wants to address. i guess i didn't think of blogs this way. but maybe i should. i just don't know that my thoughts about a movie or who i think is a better presidential candidate are that interesting. but then again you can skip the entry if you really want.
don't worry, i'd skip the one about the new president too.
believe it or not, i think about more than just san diego and africa. not a lot more, but some.
thursday night i went to atlanta to see a band play with a friend of mine. we got there and it was at a church, hosted by a youth group called "over thrive." it was probably the stupidest thing i have ever seen. sarah and i were the only ones over 17 there, minus the grandmothers in the back knitting and the youth pastor wearing jean cargo shorts and a bright lime green shirt that said over thrive on the front and staff (infection was in smaller letters underneath. i know, right?) on the back. every kid there was wearing the usual high school scene clothes and acting cool than the person next to them.
it was awkward to say the least, the very very least. i never want to go back. i just know thats what i looked like, and the way i acted. and whether i knew or even liked the band, i tapped my foot and nodded my head. at least in bham, we had real venues.
the whole situation made me really aware of how much i have changed. how much everyone has changed. not in clothes or music opinions, but in exclusive attitudes, the striving to be as independent and different as possible.
i found myself thinking about old things. old people, music, places. al's after shows, cave 9 for some random band, cool beans every morning before school, drinking beer at the ship yard, sloss in the middle of the day, secret dates with justin, going to playgrounds in the middle of the night to smoke, and laughing with meredith about nothing. those were some of the best and worst times of my life. i don't miss it at all. i hated myself a lot.
so glad He saved me. : )
here's a little update on the situation.
i talked to my adviser about getting credit for the internship. she sent me to the political science department and they ended up just giving me 6 hours of credit, no strings. i'm not even a political science major. but i don't know, maybe i should be. so no worries on that. i'm still looking to get some money. being with out a job all semester is gonna hurt a little bit. i really need to be more trendy before i go out there. : ) i bought my plane ticket and i think i found a pretty great attic to house some stuff in it. there is a ghost of little girl to guard it (winks in your direction ginna). my mom is getting on board with it all. its just starting make logical sense.
God is so great to give this kind of picture. its one that starts out looking ridiculous. taking time off to run around the country, missing a semester of school, prolonging graduating and spending a lot of money i don't have and have no worldly assurance of getting. i am not at all surprised my parents are against it. but really a calling is a calling. it doesn't have to look like a clear path with cut back hedges and inch high grass starting out. He will turn insane idea into something legit. its gonna be amazing. and because i have no idea what to expect, i can go into this semester searching for an experience with God.
so last night i had a funny conversation with a great group about blogging. if you don't read biscuet's blog you should. www.biscuet.com. its really really good. but anyway, he writes every day about different things. not just about him and his experiences but other things that are on his mind, that he sees on tv, issues he wants to address. i guess i didn't think of blogs this way. but maybe i should. i just don't know that my thoughts about a movie or who i think is a better presidential candidate are that interesting. but then again you can skip the entry if you really want.
don't worry, i'd skip the one about the new president too.
believe it or not, i think about more than just san diego and africa. not a lot more, but some.
thursday night i went to atlanta to see a band play with a friend of mine. we got there and it was at a church, hosted by a youth group called "over thrive." it was probably the stupidest thing i have ever seen. sarah and i were the only ones over 17 there, minus the grandmothers in the back knitting and the youth pastor wearing jean cargo shorts and a bright lime green shirt that said over thrive on the front and staff (infection was in smaller letters underneath. i know, right?) on the back. every kid there was wearing the usual high school scene clothes and acting cool than the person next to them.
it was awkward to say the least, the very very least. i never want to go back. i just know thats what i looked like, and the way i acted. and whether i knew or even liked the band, i tapped my foot and nodded my head. at least in bham, we had real venues.
the whole situation made me really aware of how much i have changed. how much everyone has changed. not in clothes or music opinions, but in exclusive attitudes, the striving to be as independent and different as possible.
i found myself thinking about old things. old people, music, places. al's after shows, cave 9 for some random band, cool beans every morning before school, drinking beer at the ship yard, sloss in the middle of the day, secret dates with justin, going to playgrounds in the middle of the night to smoke, and laughing with meredith about nothing. those were some of the best and worst times of my life. i don't miss it at all. i hated myself a lot.
so glad He saved me. : )
7.08.2008
the next month's "to-do" list
so i got it. i got the internship. i'm going to be working in san diego in the invisible children office for five months starting in august. its a lot different than what i thought it would be. i was thinking that i would a roadie, spending a month or so in the office and taking off for a two and a half month road trip. but turns out, God has a better plan. His plan is always better.
so i'll be in san diego for the entire 5 months, living in the intern house, going to work everyday, turning 21, and living life as a employee of invisible children. i never thought it would happen. but i feel like no one that works for them ever does.
i talked to tiffany keasey today for a good while and she basically gave me a run down of what this next month needs to look like, things she needs from me and how to go about getting to san diego. i got so overwhelmed and excited i got dizzy. it was so weird. so i immediately pull out a piece of paper and started making my to-do list. here it is:
starting july 8 and ending hopefully aug. 1
TO-DO
so this is what i have to do. and its a lot.
but at the end of my list this is what i wrote in really large letters.
"GOD IS THE PLAN. if things on this list don't go as well as you hoped or don't go at all, DO NOT LOSE HEART. this is for Him, not for you. He will make it work."
then i wrote at the top "PRAYER: Keep HIM in mind always."
see, minus three or four things this isn't a list of things that has to be done. this is stuff that will make it easier for me to go. and if they don't work out or become a huge struggle then it is in HIS plan that i work harder for this, that i skip a few meals while i'm there, that i really feel the weight of leaving to do this.
i don't know maybe i'm being overly dramatic. but as soon as we got a break in class i rushed to the bathroom to pray out loud for, not the things on this list to go well or to happen, but for THE LORD'S WILL. i want this semester to be about Him changing me, not about me leading the show. so i prayed for it. please pray for that too.
add-on: i just found out that the stipend that i knew would be given to us for food is coming from support we raise. we are told we need between 1500-2000. since i just raised support for uganda i won't be able really to do it the same way. this comes back to #4, #14, #15, #19.
and to add to the Lord's humor in all of this, i found out about 20 minutes after i bought my plane ticket.
no turning back now!!
so i'll be in san diego for the entire 5 months, living in the intern house, going to work everyday, turning 21, and living life as a employee of invisible children. i never thought it would happen. but i feel like no one that works for them ever does.
i talked to tiffany keasey today for a good while and she basically gave me a run down of what this next month needs to look like, things she needs from me and how to go about getting to san diego. i got so overwhelmed and excited i got dizzy. it was so weird. so i immediately pull out a piece of paper and started making my to-do list. here it is:
starting july 8 and ending hopefully aug. 1
TO-DO
- check on my exams, make sure i can take them early
- buy plane ticket
- get package from office and evaluate
- sell car
- move out of my apartment
- find a place to put all my stuff while i am gone
- send flight itinerary to lacey in the office
- go over job description and prepare
- visit adviser and ask about school credit, money/scholarship, and transfer to business school
- message all known interns
- maybe cancel classes/ sign up for internship class
- check on loans
- check on health insurance
- calculate spending
- start getting rid of stuff/ OWN LESS
- talk all this over with my mom
- call bryant and find out what he wants of my stuff
- make a pile of crap i don't want/can't sell and let ginna or anyone else go through it.
- find out how to get $700-900
so this is what i have to do. and its a lot.
but at the end of my list this is what i wrote in really large letters.
"GOD IS THE PLAN. if things on this list don't go as well as you hoped or don't go at all, DO NOT LOSE HEART. this is for Him, not for you. He will make it work."
then i wrote at the top "PRAYER: Keep HIM in mind always."
see, minus three or four things this isn't a list of things that has to be done. this is stuff that will make it easier for me to go. and if they don't work out or become a huge struggle then it is in HIS plan that i work harder for this, that i skip a few meals while i'm there, that i really feel the weight of leaving to do this.
i don't know maybe i'm being overly dramatic. but as soon as we got a break in class i rushed to the bathroom to pray out loud for, not the things on this list to go well or to happen, but for THE LORD'S WILL. i want this semester to be about Him changing me, not about me leading the show. so i prayed for it. please pray for that too.
add-on: i just found out that the stipend that i knew would be given to us for food is coming from support we raise. we are told we need between 1500-2000. since i just raised support for uganda i won't be able really to do it the same way. this comes back to #4, #14, #15, #19.
and to add to the Lord's humor in all of this, i found out about 20 minutes after i bought my plane ticket.
no turning back now!!
6.27.2008
morning
i started today with a forty-five minute drive from montgomery to auburn at 5 a.m. to be honest it was one of the best mornings i have had in a long time. God gave me a beautiful sunrise and i started the day worshiping. how can you not when the sun is a giant hot pink ball easing over the trees i realized when i was in uganda that starting everyday with God makes the day seem more real, more focused. i hoped this day would be that. a productive God focused day. but i really have been sitting around. i want to try and blame it on waiting for this call, but it really is just because i lack anything to do right now. my purpose for the summer hasn't really seemed evident to me yet.
i went to uganda right at the beginning of the summer for three weeks. and it was life changing. my experience at bethany taught me more than anything else what the body of Christ looks like. i not only found the image in the hearts and actions of our team, but in the hearts and actions of every person at bethany village. we thought we were going to go and share with the children why God is so amazing, and they were the one that taught us. they showed us what it looks like to worship and really work for the Lord. i find it hard to be motivated to go to school sometimes, but in bethany i saw responsibility and determination from a child no older than 8. i got to see the meaning of resilience and faith shine from the eyes of children as they told me their heartbreaking stories, all of them ending in hope. my favorite experiences in bethany were marked by these lessons. they are the quiet moments that i shared with individual kids just sitting and holding their hands. the simple fact that a group of american adults could learn how to live by watching a village of african children shows me that the Lord is working and alive, that there are many many different parts to His body, and that there is so much more to learn about our God through the lives of those who are different from us. He is a huge God, so massive, and i saw His face everyday at bethany. i want to go back, right now.
the team i went with... well, there are few words to express the love i have for them. they are my new best friends and i feel a connection to them that i don't see wearing off until the love and the heart for what happened on that trip does. God perfectly ordained that group of people to be on the trip, for us to meet, and for us to share three weeks of bonding, love, worship, tears, frustrations, restlessness, exhaustion, learning, exploring, pain, sickness, laughter, dancing (oh the dancing!), music, food, food, food, and awe-inspiring acts from Him.
i gotta get back there again.
but now i am in auburn and the purpose here doesn't seem to pressing. as we speak, i am waiting for a phone call from invisible children telling whether or not i got the internship, better known as roadie. this decides i guess what the rest of the summer is aimed for, and how God will be preparing my heart. i pray that my heart will be steady and patient, especially in these next few hours.
i start class next week along with a pretty regular work schedule. so at least i will feel some accomplishment.
i went to uganda right at the beginning of the summer for three weeks. and it was life changing. my experience at bethany taught me more than anything else what the body of Christ looks like. i not only found the image in the hearts and actions of our team, but in the hearts and actions of every person at bethany village. we thought we were going to go and share with the children why God is so amazing, and they were the one that taught us. they showed us what it looks like to worship and really work for the Lord. i find it hard to be motivated to go to school sometimes, but in bethany i saw responsibility and determination from a child no older than 8. i got to see the meaning of resilience and faith shine from the eyes of children as they told me their heartbreaking stories, all of them ending in hope. my favorite experiences in bethany were marked by these lessons. they are the quiet moments that i shared with individual kids just sitting and holding their hands. the simple fact that a group of american adults could learn how to live by watching a village of african children shows me that the Lord is working and alive, that there are many many different parts to His body, and that there is so much more to learn about our God through the lives of those who are different from us. He is a huge God, so massive, and i saw His face everyday at bethany. i want to go back, right now.
the team i went with... well, there are few words to express the love i have for them. they are my new best friends and i feel a connection to them that i don't see wearing off until the love and the heart for what happened on that trip does. God perfectly ordained that group of people to be on the trip, for us to meet, and for us to share three weeks of bonding, love, worship, tears, frustrations, restlessness, exhaustion, learning, exploring, pain, sickness, laughter, dancing (oh the dancing!), music, food, food, food, and awe-inspiring acts from Him.
i gotta get back there again.
but now i am in auburn and the purpose here doesn't seem to pressing. as we speak, i am waiting for a phone call from invisible children telling whether or not i got the internship, better known as roadie. this decides i guess what the rest of the summer is aimed for, and how God will be preparing my heart. i pray that my heart will be steady and patient, especially in these next few hours.
i start class next week along with a pretty regular work schedule. so at least i will feel some accomplishment.
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